Saturday, October 4, 2014

Thoughts

Well. It's been a crazy time for me. I'm still trying to sort through all of these memories. It's scary: some of the things I did...

But now, I have eternity to think about it. Unless I find a way to reverse what Mother did to me. I have to be careful with how I act.

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So, I was sitting outside after the kid arrived (that's Edward....Crow....Legion....I still don't know which to call him by, so I just call him kid.). (By the way, I'm not keeping that money, I had packed more than enough for my meager needs before I ran from Mother. I'll leave it as a 'gift' for my lovely landlord as payment.) Med came outside to see what I was doing. The kid had apparently been very tired and was sleeping.

We sat for some time in silence, then she turned and asked me if I believed in fate.
"No. There isn't. Back when Jack gave me some of those files, I marked a few with a very specific letter: 'F.' Those contained info about a 'future event.' Mine was pretty much thrown out the window a few hundred times over. It's why you never got your file. I didn't want you to think that those events had to occur. What about you? What's your opinion?"

"I don't believe there's such a thing as fate or destiny, but there is such a thing as consequences. So, there's more to what you said earlier isn't there? About the 'pacifism.'"

"Yeah. You remember Linux, right? Before he left he told me something. In one of the alternate futures he claimed to have seen, he said that I had become a monster. That I killed everyone I cared about: you, Sanna, S, my family, Lovett, everyone. He even said that some of the Fears were worried about me. Me. And I went down that path after Mother gave me her 'gift.' I don't want to become that...thing. I have so many options to choose from, so many paths to take. Who's to say that I'm on the right one?"

 "You. Only you know you. Be careful on which road you go down, a heck of a lot of them are one way. But no matter what you choose, it will be you choosing. Not her."

"But, I know that there's the potential to be something truly evil in me. I'm worried. I...I'm scared shitless. What if I hadn't been able to fight back against Mother? What if I had gone down the road that Linux described? What if?..." I had to stop there.

"I don't think about the things that could have happened but didn't. I can't change them. I prefer to learn from what did instead. Don't ask 'what if'', ask 'what now'."

I thought about that. We sat out there for a few hours longer, talking and thinking. Even though I managed to get away, Mother's shadow follows me everywhere. I had to get rid of all reflective objects in my 'room': I can't bear to look at my own reflection.

I guess the good thing that came out of all of this is that S is safe. She's no longer in danger. Even though I miss her so damn much that it hurts, it's probably best for me to stay away from her.

I hate this so much, I'm going to outlive everyone I know. I asked Med if she thought I was still human. I said that to be a human, don't we have to be mortal? To have a fear of death? She looked uncomfortable after I said that.

"Lots of things that aren't human or entirely human are mortal. They fear death as well, to varying degrees. It's the other way around as well. Being immortal alone won't make you inhuman unless you lose your humanity in some other way."

After she finished that, she just laughed a bit and said that she might need to start writing fortunes for fortune cookies if we keep going on at this rate. I laughed too, for a bit. It felt nice.

I realized that I haven't laughed or felt happy since the last time I had been with S. Before she had been kidnapped. I'd give anything to be able to be near her again. Especially if it meant I was able to actually die. I know many of you probably think I'm insane since I want to be mortal.

Being immortal is terrible. The truth is absolutely crushing: I will still be here when you all are gone. You should enjoy your life. Treasure every minute that you have with your loved ones, they won't be around forever.

18 comments:

  1. You are far from the only one on the playing field at this time to have such gifts. I would not worry so much. You are who you are, and your lifespan is unimportant.

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    1. I'd prefer not to live forever, thank you. I'd rather have a normal life with the girl who I love.

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    2. Any hope of normality was snuffed when you were first introduced to this world of monsters.

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  2. Call him Edward. That's his main... personality. I call him by his real name, but I'm not going to tell anyone that. Ever. Unless he is okay with it.

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  3. Take every day as it comes. The perception of time is relative.

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  4. Hey, you aren't completely alone in all this. I can't die either. I understand the pain of it all. Knowing the people you care about will eventually die, but you wont.

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    1. Yeah. If I happen to find a way to reverse it, do you want me to pass on that info?

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  5. I should have kept up with this. I got distracted away from blogs, and I have to wonder what might have happened if I'd said something when you first realized. Carter, you're not alone. If I drop you an email can I count on your discretion?

    ~

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  6. You care about me? God fucking bless, Carter, I care about you too.

    If it's any consolation, if there's an infinite number of universes with infinite possibilities, then I have probably killed you in a few as well. But anyway, in this universe, the one I actually give a shit about? Not you. Not our Carter. So it doesn't even matter.

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    Replies
    1. Well, you are one of the first people I met on here.

      And thanks. I guess.

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    2. Yeh, you always been there, mate. Actually, I apologise, watching me is probably a painful and frustrating experience.

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    3. Not at all. You're still here, so that's something.

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    4. I guess, but I feel like I lost a lot, a lot of what it means to be a good person.

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    5. We've all lost a lot. I've seen some people do some terrible things. People who I never thought would fall so far.

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