Friday, October 31, 2014

To the Fallen

I was waiting for Med to come back from a scouting job so I decided to kill time. It was that, or go crazy from boredom. So what did I do, you might ask? Well, I walked down 'memory lane.'  I was feeling nostalgic and decided to check on older blogs. Oh the names, the memories, the joys, the sorrows.

I have met so many people through this blog. And so many of them are dead or gone. It's sad to think about all of them. So many lives needlessly wasted. And for what? To appease some monsters? To seek revenge for injustices? To fulfill prophecies? It's terrible to think about the reasons behind each death.

We've all lost people. Every single one of us who still lives today has lost friends (and even those enemies who we just can't hate). Let's never forget them. Let's not let their deaths be in vain. Whoever you may be, whether you affiliate as a Runner or a Servant, post some of their names in the comments. Maybe post something about them. Do something today to just remember them.

To the fallen, may you never be forgotten.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Closure?

So, after everything that's been going on in sunny New Zealand, I decided to take a break of sorts: I went home. To see S. After looking around for a while, I found her. She was at the park. I found a spot that was hidden, and could see her. She was sitting on a bench with two other people: a guy and a girl. I remember them. The guy had been a good friend of mine and the girl was his girlfriend and a close friend of S.

They were talking and laughing, then the others stood up. S decided to stay sitting on the bench to wait for them to come back. almost immediately after they were out of sight, I saw her change. She went from a happy, care-free person to a haunted person. She looked defeated and sad. Then, she suddenly looked straight at my hiding spot. I knew she couldn't see me. She started glancing around, but her eyes kept lingering where I was.

She was about to stand up when the others came back. I decided to take this moment to leave. I left a hastily-written note in the spot and slipped out without being seen. I had hesitated, I wanted to run up to her and try to make my life normal again. But, I didn't. I can't have that life. Not anymore. Not while my life-span is indefinite. I'd never fit in.

I returned to New Zealand a few days later. The first thing I said to Med was: "Let's find Black."

Saturday, October 11, 2014

More Thoughts

Well, my memories are kinda sporadic. I'm beginning to think that the Old Man's messing with me. The worst part is something that I can't remember: S's name. I can't remember her name. No matter how long I think, no matter how hard I try, I just can't remember. Why? Why can't I remember? I miss her. I miss her so much.


I had to take a break. For some reason, thinking of Linux before had reminded me of something else he said once: he called me an anomaly. I wouldn't have thought twice about it, except someone else had said that: Mother. I remember thinking that Linux had been insane: there was no way that I'd one day (in alternate realities) be immortal, kill everyone I know, and be feared by some of the Fears. (Of course, I now know that the first one came true.)

Maybe there was more to his words than hot air. Especially since they had been shared by a Fear. They both said that I was an impossibility. That the original reason the Slender Man started watching me was because he knew what I'd become.But what exactly is that? What am I? Who am I? Am I still a good person, or am I a monster? An abomination? A freak of nature? Is this why I'm still here? Why the Slender Man or Mother (To name just 2)  haven't killed me?

I'm sorry, I'm just kind of confused right now. This is so much to process.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Thoughts

Well. It's been a crazy time for me. I'm still trying to sort through all of these memories. It's scary: some of the things I did...

But now, I have eternity to think about it. Unless I find a way to reverse what Mother did to me. I have to be careful with how I act.

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So, I was sitting outside after the kid arrived (that's Edward....Crow....Legion....I still don't know which to call him by, so I just call him kid.). (By the way, I'm not keeping that money, I had packed more than enough for my meager needs before I ran from Mother. I'll leave it as a 'gift' for my lovely landlord as payment.) Med came outside to see what I was doing. The kid had apparently been very tired and was sleeping.

We sat for some time in silence, then she turned and asked me if I believed in fate.
"No. There isn't. Back when Jack gave me some of those files, I marked a few with a very specific letter: 'F.' Those contained info about a 'future event.' Mine was pretty much thrown out the window a few hundred times over. It's why you never got your file. I didn't want you to think that those events had to occur. What about you? What's your opinion?"

"I don't believe there's such a thing as fate or destiny, but there is such a thing as consequences. So, there's more to what you said earlier isn't there? About the 'pacifism.'"

"Yeah. You remember Linux, right? Before he left he told me something. In one of the alternate futures he claimed to have seen, he said that I had become a monster. That I killed everyone I cared about: you, Sanna, S, my family, Lovett, everyone. He even said that some of the Fears were worried about me. Me. And I went down that path after Mother gave me her 'gift.' I don't want to become that...thing. I have so many options to choose from, so many paths to take. Who's to say that I'm on the right one?"

 "You. Only you know you. Be careful on which road you go down, a heck of a lot of them are one way. But no matter what you choose, it will be you choosing. Not her."

"But, I know that there's the potential to be something truly evil in me. I'm worried. I...I'm scared shitless. What if I hadn't been able to fight back against Mother? What if I had gone down the road that Linux described? What if?..." I had to stop there.

"I don't think about the things that could have happened but didn't. I can't change them. I prefer to learn from what did instead. Don't ask 'what if'', ask 'what now'."

I thought about that. We sat out there for a few hours longer, talking and thinking. Even though I managed to get away, Mother's shadow follows me everywhere. I had to get rid of all reflective objects in my 'room': I can't bear to look at my own reflection.

I guess the good thing that came out of all of this is that S is safe. She's no longer in danger. Even though I miss her so damn much that it hurts, it's probably best for me to stay away from her.

I hate this so much, I'm going to outlive everyone I know. I asked Med if she thought I was still human. I said that to be a human, don't we have to be mortal? To have a fear of death? She looked uncomfortable after I said that.

"Lots of things that aren't human or entirely human are mortal. They fear death as well, to varying degrees. It's the other way around as well. Being immortal alone won't make you inhuman unless you lose your humanity in some other way."

After she finished that, she just laughed a bit and said that she might need to start writing fortunes for fortune cookies if we keep going on at this rate. I laughed too, for a bit. It felt nice.

I realized that I haven't laughed or felt happy since the last time I had been with S. Before she had been kidnapped. I'd give anything to be able to be near her again. Especially if it meant I was able to actually die. I know many of you probably think I'm insane since I want to be mortal.

Being immortal is terrible. The truth is absolutely crushing: I will still be here when you all are gone. You should enjoy your life. Treasure every minute that you have with your loved ones, they won't be around forever.