New Year, Same Shit

It's another year of this. Another year of this...existence. I just wander. See the sights. Live. Or whatever it is. Those words always in the back of my mind.

Ran into a new runner a couple weeks back. She was young. Stumbled across her in NYC. She was scared and alone.

Said she was new to it all, that her family was all dead, and that she hasn't seen any friendly faces.

"Why don't I tag along with you?" She asks

"Because I'll just get you killed, kid."

"How? Having someone watch your back is a good thing. Especially another runner." - her

"That's where you're wrong."


"Yeah. I'm no runner. I'm not a runner. I'm not a servant. I'm just a man on his own. An immortal man. One who will paint a target so big on your back that you might not survive the week. There are parts of this world I avoid now, to keep the people I care about far away. I don't want to be the cause of their suff…
You know that quote about how you either die or you live long enough to become the monster? I think about it a lot.
I'm glad I'm not the only one left. It's nice to see old, familiar faces on here. I wonder who else is still around.
I was thinking of an old friend tonight. And a conversation with her. I miss her a lot. If it wouldn't put her life in danger, I'd visit. She'd probably love to have someone to dissect. It was a crisp night and she brought out a nice, warm drink. She made good tea. I remember her looking at me for a while before asking me. "Carter... What's it like? To kill so many people, I mean." "It's... Terrible. It removes parts of your humanity each and every time. You'll never forget it. Every time you'r idle, your mind will play it back to you. You'll look at yourself in the mirror and see a killer. That's what drove me over the edge. That's why I'm not killing someone again." "But you killed a lot of people before...Her. Of your own free will. Why would you choose that life? Why did you do it?" "... Because if I didn't... If I didn't, then someone else would be in danger. I did it for you, and everyone …
Sometimes I wonder just how many of us are left. I only know of a handful. And I'm not sure if that is good or bad. Maybe it means that people will eventually be safe? Or maybe it means I'm just out of the loop. I don't know. All I know is that I've seen many friends die or become lost, and that it will continue to happen for me, day in and day out. For all of eternity.
This blog. So many memories. Good to force myself to remember them. Hard to sometimes. I'm still around. Just, I suppose. I'm trying to just be under the radar. Or, as under the radar as an immortal person can be. Sometimes, it's hard to remember where I come from, who I was, and what it measn to be human. If you can't die, what's the meaning in life? What is life without death? Light without darkness? Happiness without sadness? Joy without loss?
Every night, before I sleep, I recite the names of the lost. Those who are confirmed dead, and those that just disappeared and are assumed dead.

It's morbid. But, it tends to be followed by thoughts about how the list will only grow longer with each passing year. I wonder if the list will become so long that I decide to abandon this idea? Most likely. I also dread the day when I have to add more names to it.

This life is a curse.